That Damn Pig

There was a pig walking down the road, coming right at me, so I started to run and then it started to run, and in about fifteen seconds there was a terrible collision. His head hit me in the shins, sending me flipping over him - my whole face momentarily touching his sparsely-haired back. I ended sitting up with my back to his ass, and I could feel his curly, coiled tail dangling around behind my head. As I stood up and turned around, I tried to decided if our game of chicken was in good fun or if we both sprinted out of spontaneous malcontent - neither of us had seen the other before. It seemed like it was all for fun because he had a smile on his face, and I couldn't help but grin right back at the little bugger. Just then, I heard an engine roar and a Ryder truck full of a houseload of furniture, clothes, dishes, electronics, and other stuff came zooming down the road. Before I knew what I was doing, I picked that pig up and flung him at the big yellow truck, and with a WHAM! he hit the broadside flatly and bounced off like a racquet ball. The little clump of pink skin rolled end over end through the grass on the side of the road. I jogged over to where he stopped. When he regained his balance, the pig slowly raised his head and looked me in the eye as if to say, "You got me, you bastard," and we shared a little laugh. Porkface (as he has come to be known) sensing that I had momentarily let down my guard, reared up on his hind legs and stomped on my instep with both of his front hooves, digging his razor sharp pig nails into my flesh. Involuntarily, I bent down to clutch my injured feet. Porkface swung his body around like lightning, and, just as my face reached his level, he dealt me a swift and severe donkey kick right in the mouth. I staggered back a few steps before retaliating with a mixture of broken teeth and blood spit directly into his fucking eyes. That's when he really got pissed off. Somehow, he managed to hook me around the ankle and trip me to the ground. And, in an instant, he was on top of me, pummeling my face and groin with hoof stomps, oinking like a demon. I tried to fight him off, but there was no stopping him. I was being bludgeoned to death. As, I lost consciousness, I remember hearing a car door slam followed by someone laughing hysterically and then saying, "Holy shit, I think that pig is gonna kill that dude."

Unmentionable Facts

1. A man exists who has a hook for a hand and answers to the name "Lemon."

2. Lemon drives a tow truck.

3. His son, Joe Dotson, can injure himself at will.

4. Joe never uses "the," exclusively preferring "thee." He thinks this makes him sound smarter, and he is right.