Cold Turkey: Stopping something habitual all at once and never doing it again.

Hot Turkey: Starting something out of the blue and doing it all the time, forever.

Turkey Jerky, Turkey Bacon, Turkey Burgers: Not beef, not pork, not beef again. If you eat this stuff, even vegetarians think you're a puss.

When I am old and about to die, I want to be launched into space. I want to be put in a minimal spacesuit and jettisoned out a space door. But, I don't want to end up in orbit. I want to float away and look around. I want to see the earth from far above and see all the stars without an atmosphere in the way.

The trickiest part will be calculating the amount of oxygen to take with me so I die of old age instead of suffocating to death. My best guess is three days. I'll probably have to verify that with a doctor though. They'll run some tests and stuff like that, but I've never fully trusted when doctors give people a certain length of time to live. People always seem to fight it out a little longer. And, since I'll be doing something really cool, I can see myself trying really hard not to die too soon. So, I'll add a couple days to whatever the doctors say and bring plenty of water and astronaut ice cream, too.

The last days of my life will be spent thinking about my life and the people I love. That's what I'd be doing in a hospital bed anyway, but I'd prefer to do it in space.

Proof that I'll do anything for my g-friend, or the funniest thing that's happened to me in the last six months:

I recently spent a Saturday afternoon watching Dire Straits' 1985 performance at Live Aid on DVD while her boss explained the genesis of the song "Money for Nothing" and then slowly said each verse after Mark Knopfler finished singing it.

Mark Knopfler: "That ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it
Money for nothin’ and chicks for free"

Boss Man: "That ain’t workin'...that’s the way you do it...
Money for nothin’ and chicks for free"

Mark Knopfler: "Now that ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain’t dumb"

Boss Man: "Now that ain’t workin’...that’s the way you do it...
Lemme tell ya them guys ain’t dumb"

Mark Knopfler: "Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb"

Boss Man: "Maybe get a blister on your little finger...
Maybe get a blister on your thumb"

Mark Knopfler: "We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour tv’s"

Boss Man: "We gotta install microwave ovens...
Custom kitchen deliveries...
We gotta move these refrigerators...
We gotta move these colour tv’s"


As an added bonus, I got to see the replica platinum records given to the Boss Man by Quiet Riot for their album "Metal Health." And, if I'm lucky I'll get to play guitar with this dude who played drums for them, Scorpions, Black Sabbath, and Blue Oyster Cult the next time he throws a barbeque.

I remember when I was like eight watching a Wonderful World of Disney movie about a family that brings refugees from a third world country (not sure which continent) into their home and tries to give them a better life. All I can remember about the outcome is that at some point one of the kids can't take living in "civilization" anymore, so he/she digs a hole out in the yard and starts taking a pee/crap and crying a lot. Then, one of the parental figures comes out and there is a bunch more crying.

This is sort of how I feel living in the city. But, I know if I go outside to take a crap no one will come out and cry with me. I'll probably just get shit on my shoes and wish I had better aim.

Two words that sum up why my g-friend is smarter than me:

Dinosaur Ghosts

Ongoing List of Things I Predict Will Become Popular:

1. Anti-Sideburns: Hair is shaven either even to where the ear connects to the head, or upward toward the temple at a 45 degree angle.

2. Ironic tattoos: People get crappy tatoos on purpose, e.g., the Tasmanian Devil wearing cross-country skis eating a Philly Cheesesteak, a unicorn with a butterfly tattoo on its buttcheek, a poorly drawn portrait of someone else's baby or fiance, Celine Dion standing over Dr. Phil in a boxing ring recreating the famous photo of Muhammad Ali standing over Sonny Liston.

3. Figs: They're the next big thing. I guarantee it.

Ten days ago, I started thrusting wood for building wharves into the sand and mud benath the ocean. I then began to gather large numbers of different kinds of sea life around each piling: dolphins, octopuses, lobsters, sea turtles, sharks, squids, starfish, jelly fish, marlins, barracudas, tropical fish, crazy deep sea fish, all kinds of shit.

Now, my work is done. The park opens on Tuesday, July 26. Kids get half-off admission with an honor roll report card or an empty Coke can.

Title of my forthcoming novel:

The Saddest Astronaut of All

Gerald left the post office and went to sit in his railroad car. Junk mail, a dry cleaning bill, and a letter from Mr. Quincy Bandana. He opened the letter:



Dear Mr. Geraldo,

Thank you for your letter. I am very much interested in pursuing a partnership with you. With your expert knowledge of hobo culture and my fifty plus years of bandana related experience, we should be able to corner the hobo-style luggage market. Your patent for a telescoping hobo stick with built-in bandana attachment device is groundbreaking, as is my new multi-compartment, prefolded bandana.

I will be sending you twenty bandanas for you to use in constructing a prototype. Remember, we want our product to have the desired hobo look, but still be appealing and functional for the fashionable, upper class lady on the go. I will continue testing new colors, fabrics and designs, as well. If I come across something special, I will notify you ASAP. Also, if you have the time, please consider constructing some hobo sticks from gem encrusted precious metals. I can see these being a big high-end seller.

As you know, marketing will be the key to our success. I have recently become aware of a televsion series in development at Bravo in which celebrities ride the rails for a week and a half and have their experiences documented. It is critical that that our product be prominently invloved in this series.

I am very excited about this project. Please keep me abreast of any developments as they arise, I will do the same. As this endeavor escalates, we will most probably need to begin corresponding by means other than postal mail.

Sincerely Yours,
Mr. Quincy Bandana



Gerald wiped the tears of joy from his eyes. His dream was coming true. He began to envision a day when he would no longer be ashamed to be a fifth generation hobo. Sure, he had a post office box, but outside of the hobo circuit that was not much of a status symbol. Gerald wanted more. He wanted to shower indoors and eat hot food. He wanted a permanent place to keep his harmonica, can opener, and panhandling cup, so he wouldn't have to carry them around anymore unless he wanted to play the blues, open baked beans, or beg for money. Things were definitely looking up for Gerald G. Geraldo.

Back at his workshop, Quicy Bandana was feverishly sewing a new bandana from ostrich leather, sea shells, and organic silk. Although he was a little leary of joining forces with a real life hobo, he saw potential in Gerald Geraldo. He knew tha man probably hadn't showered in months and had teeth black as the dark side of the moon, but his hobo stick design was second to none.

Do I have what it takes to be a manager at a local Chuck E. Cheese?

5 Reasons "YES":

1. I love pizza.
2. I am mechanically inclined, so I could perform maintenance on the robots.
3. I already wear a red vest pretty much every day.
4. I ain't afraid of baby teeth.
5. I can read.


5 Reasons "NO":

1. I love pizza.
2. I have a propensity for walking with high knees and aiming for fat, ugly faces.
3. I hate short people with crooked or missing teeth, bad hygiene, and speech impediments.
4. I know what's at the bottom of the ball pit.
5. If shit gets bad and some kid is stuck up to his waist in the Whack-A-Mole and I got six mothers with a combined weight total of 2.5 tons breathing down my neck because Chuck's hungover again and the bathroom is overflowing with pizza turds, I would declare martial law and let God sort out the casualities.

.:Stalling:.

Latrinalia Volume I: A Written and Photographic Chronical of American Bathroom Art
Latrinalia Volume II: A Written and Photographic Chronical of International
Bathroom Art with a Special Section Featuring Responses to Volume I and
Artist Submissions Via Webpage

../LOCALES\..

Schools > Elementary, Middle, High, College
Restaurants and Bars
Stores and Malls
Truckstops and Rest Areas
Stadiums and Theme Parks
Offices

../ITEMS OF SPECIAL INTEREST\..

Locate and Interview Artists, Profiling Life, Work and Towns
Markers and Paint Vs Scraping, and Other Techniques
Running Themes > Sexism, Racism and Anti-Semitism, Homophobia, Sex: Including Preferences, Perversions, Genitalia and Solicitiation), and Humor
Regional Comparisons

../METHOD OF COLLECTION\..

High End Digital Camera with Attachable Light, Tripod, and Lenses
Possibly Two Separate Cameras: One for Art and One for Artists and Locations
Photography/Image Editing Software
Written and Recorded Notes of Art, Artists and Locations Using Notebooks and Cheap Digital Voice Recorder
All Compiled on Computer

../FINISHED PRODUCT\..

Oversized, Full-Color Book with Close-up Photos of the Best Latrinalia
with Commentary on Each Piece and a Chronical of How and Where They Were Found
50% Photos / 50% Writing